The Fireplace Fiasco (or how I made an ash out of myself)

So, I came home the other day and noticed that the house smelled like a fireplace.  It has been unusually cold here, lately, which is true of most places this week, and we have had several fires. Anyhow, I decided that it would be a good thing to clean out the fireplace. I was home alone and it hadn't been done since last year.  The first thing I notice is that our fireplace tools have been reduced to a poker and a pair of what looks like giant tongs. There is a great deal of ash in the fireplace, so I get the brilliant idea.  A vacuum would be the perfect solution for this problem. Well, I know from past experience that this is too much ash and would clog the vacuum.  So, I go to the shed and get the shop vac.

This is where the fiasco begins.  I plug in the shop vac and turn it on and begin to suck up the ash.  Not 15 seconds in, I notice that the suction is not quite right.  So, not thinking, I look in the hose and then tip it over proceeding to dump a bunch of ash on the rug.  Obviously,  there is a clog.  Unscrew said hose. Carry outside and attempt to clear the clog off of the back porch.  Did I mention it was windy?   After a face full of ash, I unclog the hose.  Go back inside. Hook it back up. Turn it on and check the suction. Perfect!  Then I proceed to suck up the ash spilled on the floor, turn my attention to the fireplace.  

At this point, I must state that the shop vac is behind me. I'm busy sucking up all the ash, when after a minute or so,  I stop to check the suction again and turn around.  WHAT THE HELL?!?!  The entire living room has been enveloped by a huge ash cloud!  What?!?!?! The shop vac has an exhaust in the back of it?!?!  Every speck of ash I have sucked up is now spewing out the back and into the room!!! I quickly turn off the shop vac.  Thinking on my feet, I grab my regular vacuum, put on the attachment  thinking I can suck up the ash cloud out of the air.  Why, in the world,  did I  think that would work? I have no idea.

  

Next Idea, run around the living room and open all the windows.  As fast as I can, turn on the two ceiling fans (break the thingy off of the chain on one in the process).  Next,  I grab a standing fan from another room and place it in the hallway to attempt to keep the ash in the living room.  Not really helping the situation of clearing the room of the ash cloud.  So, I pick up the fan and start waving it around.  Kinda reminded me, for a moment,  of how Steven Tyler swings the mike stand around when he performs.     But then, a moment of clarity.   I move the fan in front of the window facing out to suck the ash out.  Meanwhile, I realize that my dog has just been standing in the middle of the living room watching the whole thing. I notice him and think, "Oh my God, you can't be in here breathing this! You'll get the black lung or something!"  So a whisk him out the back door!  

At this point I need to calm down and analyze the situation.  Deep Breath, Nope, realize quickly that  that would be bad.   But upon observation, everything seems to getting back in order.  The ash cloud seems to be dissipating.  OK, let's empty the shop vac and put it away.  Good thing I looked in it before just dumping it willy nilly in the back yard because apparently it was last used to pick up Styrofoam packing pieces.  That could have been a mess chasing Styrofoam around the back yard.  I'll just take this and dump it all  into the trash can on the side of the house.  Head outside. Lift the lid on the trash can.  Remember how I said it was windy before? One gust, that's all it took!  And a cloud of ash and Styrofoam bursts into the air.  I drop the shop vac and proceed to spend the next 20 minutes picking up ash covered Styrofoam pieces off my neighbor's and my side yard.  

Now I still need to turn my attention to original problem.  Cleaning out the fireplace.  Still don't have the tools I need.  So I improvise.  Using a scoop formally used for scooping dog food and a plastic shopping bag.  Yes,  I checked for holes first. I then proceed to clean most of the ash out.  There is just a little left that I can't reach with the scoop.  Surely, that little bit won't clog the vacuum.  Oh how wrong I was.  Now, I have to clean the Vacuum filter and container so that the vacuum will work again.  I'm so over it at this time.  All I wanted was to get rid of the ash smell.  Now, the smell is embedded in my nose and a fine layer of ash covers all the furniture and the rug in my living room.  Well, I can't use the vacuum until the filter is dried.  So, screw this,  I'm having a glass of wine.  I'll clean it later.